Hi Everyone,

We still don’t have internet at the house, but I have discovered that I can use Dean’s work computer.  Sharmi has been doing really well these last few days.  She has been on a standard break from drugs for 5 days to give her time to build up her strength before they pound her with drugs again.  She has been such a joy.  Last week it felt like we were dealing with a horrible case of the terrible two’s on chemo.  These last several days she has been happy, talking, singing, and she has even been playing contentedly on her own.  This is very different from our first several weeks here when I couldn’t put her down all day long.  I carried or held her all day.  I was only able to put her down on the kitchen counter for a few minutes to use a knife or get her some food.  

The fact that she is doing so well makes it even harder to face tomorrow. Tonight has been a really hard night for me thinking about what the morning has in store for my precious baby. This next phase is an 8 week phase, which has two weeks of break built into the end of it because it makes the children so sick. She is getting three new drugs in this phase in addition to what she has been receiving the last four months. Tomorrow she gets Doxorubicin which has a “likely side effect” of “heart muscle damage” and a rare side effect of “severe heart failure”.  (After her partial paralysis which was rare, it is hard to ignore those possibilities)  She is only two… she doesn’t deserve to be going through this!

I wish above anything that I could take her place. Last week we were sitting at the kitchen table eating and I gave her two different doses of chemo and within 30 minutes I watched my little girl go from happy and bubbly to sad and frustrated. I could see it in her eyes. Where just a few minutes before they had been playful and they sparkled, after those drugs hit her system they turned dark and glossy.

We need prayers. I can’t bear the thought of doing this to her for over two more years.

On a brighter note, I am so grateful that she seems to understand the love of God and the angels. The other day on the way to the hospital she had started to cry. I asked her if she was scared and she responded, ” yes, mommy pray.” So I of course prayed as tears fell down my cheeks.  She frequently goes off on her own, closes a bathroom door and prays. Some of it I understand and other words I don’t. I wonder what those thoughts are that she hasn’t learned to express yet?  I think they are deeper than we can imagine.  Last week she prayed a prayer that broke my heart.  She was in her bathroom gabbering away and I heard her start praying.  She prayed for Grandma, papa, nana and daddy and then she prayed for me.  She prayed, “please take care of mommy, please take care of mommy, mommy pain, please take care of mommy…”  She pleaded her prayer for me at least 7 or 8 times and every time she said is she was more desperate.  By the end of her petitions she was almost in tears.  I am continually amazed at how concerned she is over me.  She has taken it upon herself to take care of me.    I have had a lot of pain in my back and legs with this preganacy and she frequently offers me her hand to help me out of bed or help me get up off the floor.  I know it is my job to love her and take care of her through this time, but some days it seems like God gave me her to help me through it. 

Please keep us all in your prayers we are all carrying a lot of responsibility right now on very little sleep. Dean is not only dealing with work and trying to help take care of his family, but he is also dealing with the old house and the new house and all of the repairs, bills and leagal documents that come along with them. As most of you know Sharmi and I have both been in the hospital this year already, I just pray that Dean will stay healthy.

We love you and miss you and we thank you for your continued support.

Cheris