Hi Again,

The end of another week has come.  I am so grateful it is Sabbath.  I need the break from the burden of all of those things that I need to do, but the reality is all I can manage is just feeding, changing, bathing, and drugging the kids.  My mom left yesterday afternoon and we all miss her.  Today was a hard day trying to meet the needs of two crying kids at the same time.  Sharmi’s meds are starting to kick in and she isn’t feeling very good right now.  We have gone back to “mommy need you,”  “mommy hold baby,” “mommy put Chantel down.”  The one that broke my heart tonight was “mommy I’m tired, pick baby up, I can’t walk.”  The drugs are getting to her.  Yesterday I noticed also that she was walking on her toes a lot.  This is a side effect of the vincristine. 

We have been quite the pair.  She is crying due to the stress of change and not feeling well and she has seen me in a lot of pain in the last few weeks.  She mimics my groaning and pinched face that is common when I begin to nurse.  It is cute but sad.  I have also been struggling with depression, probably just due to life and hormones, but this has been hard for Sharmi as well.  We have been wiping each-others tears lately.  (Someday I am sure I will regret being so honest in my posts.  ) 

Wednesday’s doctors appointment was hard for me for several reasons.  It was hard to start the process all over again.  The providers did not adequately address the issue of giving my daughter a transfusion that wasn’t needed.  I confused two of the appointment times and gave her juice when I shouldn’t have and so they were not able to do her procedure. (She received the drug orally instead and she with get it in her spine next month instead.)  And Sharmi was very subdued and quiet most of the day.  She didn’t even make a peep when we accessed her.  We were all shocked, and the nurses were very impressed.  However, it made my stomach sick.  Unfortunately, I don’t believe it was bravery.  I believe it was depression and defeat.  While we were still waiting in the lobby I asked her if she was scared, since she was so quite.  She nodded yes, and she agreed that she wanted to pray to Jesus, so we did.  We have been praying a lot lately about fear.  She is getting old enough now to understand and communicate that emotion better.  One kind of cute example is that she had a nightmare about a week ago.  It was a reoccurring nightmare and she woke up crying several times during the night.  I didn’t figure it out until morning that she was talking about a rhino.  ”Mommy, Bali found rhino.  Over there by the tree.  Baby afraid.”  It was a very realistic dream because she told everyone exactly what tree Bali found the rhino at, and when we were outside, she told me the path of travel for the dream characters.  We have told her that it was a dream and that the rhino is not real.   She has repeated our words many times since.  ”Rhino’s not real.  Rhino’s only at Wild Animal Park.  It was just a dream.  Only bunnies, birds, squirrels, and dear are real.”   

Even though there is sadness and pain, there is also bundles of joy and priceless time together.  We are all enjoying beautiful Chantel.  Sharmi loves and kisses on her all day.  We are trying to her to be gentle with little sister.  This evening when I was putting her to bed she said, ”Mommy Chantel is fragile.  We have to be careful will her. She is tiny and I am big.”  I am glad she is understanding it.  She worries about her all day.  She always asks, “Where’s Chantel?” especially first thing after she wakes up.  She tries to give her her pacifier when she is crying.  Usually a little bit to hard, since Chantel still doesn’t see a hole lot of value in those plastic imitations.   Sharmi pulls the moses basket over to the edge of the table while Chantel is napping just to look at her.  And when she cries, Sharmi says, “Mommy pick up Chantel.”  However, to be balanced there are also a few times that she says, “Mommy put Chantel down.”  “Those are my socks, she can’t wear them.”  “That is my blanket she can’t have it.” or the sweetest one was when I started singing a song that I used to sing to Sharmi in the mornings (Good-morning Beautiful), “No mommy, you can’t sing to Chantel, that is MY song!” I have been very careful to pick different songs since.  (Even though over the last several months when I have tried to sing it to her she has said, “mommy no sing.”)  Some things are sacred.

I enjoyed watching Sharmi welcome baby Chantel.  I actually think that She understood this baby thing better then most kids.  She has spent so much time in hospitals and around equipment that she didn’t get lost in the tubes, noises and monitors.  When our dear friends John and Julie along with their kids, brought Sharmi over to the hospital to see me before Chantel was born (because Chantel was taking her sweet time), Sharmi tried to tell her little friend Jennifer about the IV’s, ”no owies,” and the heart monitor on sister that went “du du” and sister is in mommy’s tummy. Once we were home from the hospital Sharmi clearly understood and stated that, “sister is not in mommy’s tummy anymore,”  ”sister is on mommy’s bed sleeping.”  With that full realization she quickly climbed up on my stomach and jumped on it as if to claim me as her own again after all of the months of having to “be gentle with mommy’s tummy.” 

Other times that I cherish so much are the naps where I get to lay down beside her and talk with her. Listen to her chatter about the events of the day.  Even though I keep telling her to close her eyes and close her mouth I secretly love this jabber time.  Her latest one is “Mommy, I am going to teach Chantel the animals.”  Then she talks about all of the animals and describes whether they are at Sea World or the Wild Animal Park.  This is the new excitement because we have made plans to visit San Diego in December.  However, the number one thing that I am enjoying with her is teaching her to pray and praying with her over her fears, pains, every individual food item at the table, and many family and friends by name.  What a joy it is to watch your child learn to call on Jesus and thank him for the things of her life.  Sometimes I think,  I should practice what I teach. 

Good night and happy Sabbath.

Cheris

In response to your comments, I will try to post pictures in my spare time. She is adorable of course. :)

Hello Everyone,

I had great intentions of writing this weekend and sharing a great story where God sent an angel in the form of a stranger to me and to also share some cute antidotes of Sharmi.  However, (warning: more personal information that I am sure some of you would prefer I didn’t share,) I started getting mastitis the end of last week with fever and weakness and I also have had excruciating abdominal pain for the last couple of days.  The doctor said it was probably due to the uterus dropping and the organs moving back into place.  I certainly didn’t have this level of pain with Sharmi.  Yesterday I barely moved.  I couldn’t sit down, stand up or shuffle from one place to another without help.  I am doing much better today.  My poor mom.  She was going to go home the end of last week for a few days to do some of her own work until I got a fever from the infection.   She has been a life saver, but we are wearing her out.  Please keep her and her teaching in your prayers.  She is starting her music students a month late in order to be here for me during this time.  It is a loving, but great sacrifice. 

I will try to share the uplifting stories and antidotes later this week.

We have really been enjoying the last few weeks without Chemo, but tomorrow is the beginning of the next two years of the Maintenance Phase.  From reading the protocol tonight it looks like she might end treatement as early as May of 2009, but I will have to confirm this with the doctors.  I was pleased to read this, because we had thought it was two years from now.  Tomorrow she begins another 5 days of steroids (I think you all know how much I hate the steroids by now).  She also gets a chemo push in her heart (Vincristine), chemo in her back (Methotrexate) and she starts an oral chemo (6-MP) which it looks like she will be taking every day for the next “2 years.”  All of these drugs are ones that she has had before so there shouldn’t be any surprises with reactions.

Sharmi had quite the attitude tonight and after we finally got her to bed my mom said that she was acting like she knew her chemo started again tomorrow.  I have not specifically told her yet, but we have told enough people over the phone and at church etc. that I wouldn’t be surprised if she does know that it all changes again tomorrow.  I will tell her in the morning but I didn’t want her to have nightmares about it before she has to.  She is too bright for my energy sometimes.   Several weeks ago I was talking about her needing a n-a-p and she said “No n-a-p, I am not tired.” 

I wish I could just say “no more c-h-e-m-o” and make it all stop.  When you have kids you think that you will be allowed to make decisions for your children.  It is sickening to not have any choices.  Most of you know that I don’t really believe in Chemo and I strongly believe that God would have a different way of treating cancer, but in this society this is the way we have to do it.  However, since we don’t have a choice about putting our baby through this regime, I am very grateful that her prognosis is so good.  If we were faced with a cancer with significantly lower odds, I think we would go on vacation to Mexico and never come back.  There are so many doctors and clinics out there that heal cancer in more gentle and natural ways.  I have a lot of questions for God.  It is a good thing that we have an eternity with him.  In addition to the questions, I also a lot to thank him for.  I have two incredible little girls that I love with all of my heart and I am understanding Gods love better through them.  We can never comprehend what he did for us on that cross, but I do feel it a little bit deeper than I did before Sharmi got sick.  Not only would I take all of her drugs, all of her sickness, all of her needles and all of her pain, I would die for her!  Last week in church we were singing  “Like a rose, trampled on the ground, you took the fall and thought of me, above all.” As tears came to my eyes and a lump grew in my throat I understood a little bit more how much love God has for us.  We are so blessed to have such a loving God.

May God Bless you all.  Thank you for your prayers.

Cheris          

Hello Everyone,

The Curry’s are officially a family of 4.  Little baby Chantel Noele was born last Sabbath the 8th, at 10:09 pm.  She weighed 8 lbs 7 oz.  She is a doll and we have enjoyed the last week of being able to love her and hold her.  This is a new experience for us.  She is a typical newborn.  And as we have watched her we have realized more and more that Sharmi was never a baby.  I think she always knew that, and we suspected it, but we didn’t fully realize it until now.  Sharmi made eye contact within the first few minutes of life with her daddy and mommy.  She could hold her head up from the day she was born. She smiled a real smile in the first few hours of life.  She didn’t have the crossed eyes like a cat looking at the butterfly on her nose.  :) She preferred to jump instead of lay before she was two weeks old.  And she NEVER slept. 

I genuinely thank God that Chantel sleeps!   Yet, the more I think about it the more I realize how gracious God is.  I know He knows the beginning from the end and he knew that Sharmi was going to get cancer.  I believe that he gave her a little bit more strength both physically and strength of personality to get through and beat this evil disease.  I know I have said it many times, but she is so tough and brave.  This isn’t just coming from a supportive and proud mother.  We had a new nurse a few weeks ago when we were accessing Sharmi’s port for her labs and meds.  She was an experienced nurse who has been in oncology for years.  Sharmi cried a little at the beginning with the though of “doing it again,” but then she settled right down and took it like a champion.  The nurse was shocked.  She said she had never seen a two year old take is so well.  She said, “once she was ready she got into her little ‘zone’ and just did it”.  We were also told by our favorite oncologist at San Diego, when we were still there, that she had never seen a two year old that was so good.  We are so grateful to God for giving her the strength and understanding to handle this.  She is very determined and this helps her survive.  The last week, Dean and I would have liked to see a little less strength and a little bit more obedience,   but I think this has something to do with being two, having an addition to the family, and coming off of a cocktail of drugs. 

Another indication of her bodies strength is her blood.  (I am still irritated thinking about this, but I am grateful that Sharmi recovered as quickly as she did.)  Last Sunday Sharmi had a platelet transfusion because the providers were determined that her blood count would drop so much that it would be critical.  They were not even willing to wait until Monday and due to my resistance and lack of commitment to their schedule (because we were waiting for sister to be born) they ordered platelets to be transfused Sunday morning, verses, ordering labs, waiting for the results and then ordering the platelets.  This process would have added at-least another three hours to the day and they were”CONFIDENT” that she would need the platelets.  It was because Sharmi was scheduled for this transfusion that I called the OB clinic Saturday morning and asked for them to induce me.  The clinic typically will not induce until you are overdue but under the circumstances the doctor told me to come on in.  We were very grateful for his accommodation so that Dean, Grandma and Papa could all go with Sharmi to the hospital the next morning.  Sharmi did pretty good without me, but struggled as expected with putting in and taking out the port.  She has always had her mommy there holding her and her little hands.  However, once the transfusion was over the nurse gave Dean a copy of the days labs and her platelet count was completely normal.  It was 392,000 and they shouldn’t have done a transfusion until she was below 10,000.  Not only was she not low enough for a transfusion she wasn’t even considered low.  In oncology you have normal for healthy people, normal for cancer patient, low for cancer patients, and then low enough to require a transfusion.  She was normal for a healthy person.  I haven’t had a chance to talk to her oncologists about this yet, but she seemed to tolerate the transfusion fine, and I am trying to be grateful that she is healthy and happy enough that her blood recovered, even though the providers were confident that she wouldn’t. 

I currently hear two little girls crying for me in the background, so I better run.

Love you all.

Cheris

Hello Everyone,

Happy Labor Day.  I hope you are all having a wonderful weekend.

I figured I better get another update done before I end up in the hospital.  So far sister is holding in there.  The doctor told me on Friday that I had a 50 % chance of delivering this week (due date is the 12th).  Friday night I had contractions and woke up to discover that the baby had dropped, so we are on alert.  Anytime now will be just fine.  The big thing was to get through these past two weeks with Sharmi, and I am thankful to God that we made it.

Sharmi is doing really well right now.  However, as projected she did have to have a transfusion last week.  Her hematocrit was down to 19 on Wednesday so they did a transfusion on Thursday.  Even though it makes me nervous it was clearly the right thing.  She has been quite pale for weeks, but her complecion  and affect changed significantly from Wednesday to Thursday.  Even her little lips were as white as could be.  The infusion took a full 4 hours and she sat on my lap (the small amount that I have left) for the majority of that time.  She gave me a little bit of a break and sat on Grandma’s lap and gave medicine to Mellow for about 20 minutes.  Needless to say my already tired legs were really hurting by the end of the day.  Grandma and Papa were both there to help her feel loved and supported.  It makes a big difference in her happiness.  The transfusion has also helped with her energy and she has been enjoying life more.  However, even though her energy is better her immunity is still very low.  As of Wednesday her ANC was approximately 470.  Since she is still on Chemo I am sure this number has dropped and as you know this makes us house-bound again.  We did break the rule a little bit yesterday though by taking her to the fair.  The hospital here says that outside is always OK, but I don’t think that is exactly what they meant.  However, we all miss the Wild Animal Park, Zoo and Sea World and we were anxious to see some animals, so we took the risk and spent hours looking at dogs, sheep, goats, cows, birds (there were some incredible pheasants) and bunnies, bunnies and more bunnies.  She had a great time. 

Last Thursday they also de-accessed her port again.  This was a huge deal.  As I mentioned earlier, she is scared of the port and it was a battle to uncover it when she had worn her little t-shirts for enough days.    The poor thing.  I can’t imagine how scary it is for her.  All in all she has developed some amazing coping skills.  She plays with mellow for hours; cleans her, checks her blood, gives her medicine, talks her through the pain, procedures and blood pressure checks, holds her hands, hugs her tight and the one that kills me is “sweety I am so sorry, I am so sorry.”  She has heard me say that a thousand times. 

Last Friday, after her bath, I was talking on the phone.  She came into the bathroom completely naked with a ceramic angel that usually sits on her window ledge.  She was holding the angel up to her port and was showing me that the angel was kissing it better.  It of course brought tears to my eyes.  I am so grateful that angels are important to her and that she finds comfort in them.  I have prayed many times when she is going through particularly hard or painful experiences that she will be able to see them around her and protecting her.  I will probably have to wait until heaven to really know the experiences and comfort that she has received from her host of angels.  Despite her daddy and I doing the best that we can, I am so grateful for the higher powers. 

Tomorrow will be another full day at our house.  All of my family is coming to our house for a BBQ because we were afraid to get to far from a hospital.  Traditionally this weekend is also a birthday party for my grandma, father and brother.  Sharmi loves cake and singing happy birthday.  She will have a great day.

I hope you all have a wonderful day as well.

Cheris